Mindblown

Have you ever read a book that changed your mind in such a short time? 

I haven't until now - thanks to Lesley Hazleton in her fantastic writing, 'After the prophet'. I'm glad my trip with Ezrul to Kinokuniya led me to her book, nestled among array of bookshelves. 

The book is about the epic story of the Shia-Sunni split. I am embarrassed to admit that for someone who has heard about "Shiah-Sunni" for so long, I barely knew much except a one-sided Sunni version. In Malaysia, we don't have that in our curriculum and if you're in this side of the world, you mostly hear "Shiah is evil" without understanding much of why and how that rhetoric came about. The history I knew before this was mostly confined to:

1) Aishah r.a. was the enemy of Shiah 

2) Ali r.a. is the leader / imam of the Shias 

3) There was bad blood between Aishah r.a. and Ali r.a. 

4) Shiahs aren't real Muslims.

This reminded me so much of the Palestinian-Israeli crisis. Much of the negative rhetoric around the Jews involves people's tendency to automatically associate all Jews to Israel or Zionism. I remember this being 'the elephant in the room' that I did not want to explore for fear that I am somehow disregarding my belief system by wanting to understand 'the other side'. 

When I was 25 and on holiday in Amsterdam, I visited the Anne Frank Museum. It was an extremely ordinary house with narrow wooden staircase and dim lights. There I was reading the description of Anne's writings while listening to the narration of the horrific experiences she endured. What's interesting is the consistent hope she harboured that one day it will be over...the whole experience made me see her simply as a bright young girl in a nightmare and not a Jew or Zionist. In that moment, I saw her for who she was instead of a label or character in a story. 

The same goes with this book. Some surprises:  

1) The close people around the Prophet SAW were hostile to each other e.g. some wives to each other, Ali r.a. and Aisyah r.a. especially during the Battle of the Camel where for the first time, there were civil war and bloodshed not just of Muslims but between the companions. This really opened my eyes that God is the judge between the conflict of two people and that each side has their own judgement and conscience. That does not validate one party and in some cases, there may not be a simple right or wrong party in a deadlock. 

2 ) The nepotism under Caliph Uthman Affan r.a. was so prevalent that as a reader, I sensed the downfall of the Caliphate began much from his time. In fact, he was the first Caliphate after Abu Bakr and Umar (r.a.) who was murdered by a Muslim. We are too judgmental on others and immediately write them off even though they are wrong whereas God has so much mercy on others. Reminds me that it is not for me to judge because they may have sought for forgiveness and changed - we can never see through the heart of others. Let God be the judge. 

 

Confetti - 2021

Do you see the confetti in my heart? 

Bursting with love and affection 

After hiding in unspoken words 

Feelings contained for too long 

Weeks and months have passed 

Yet I've only seen you twice 

Separated by walls 

United by calls 

I tell myself to take the day as it goes by 

Counting seconds will only make me cry 

When will I next see you again? 

Is a question I can't even begin...

Perfect stranger

I wish that we had met each other in different circumstance

Like in a restaurant when I am dining with someone else

We’d brush shoulder against each other for a second

And just when you start to come nearer, I’d beckon’

You say sorry, I stare and you glance back

But then I turn and walk away and leave it like that

Because if you ever did ask for my name or ask me out for dinner

I wouldn’t know if I could ever say no for an answer.

Blue moon

You said I’m a walking talking contradiction;

Wanting to be left alone, yet still offering to reach my arms out to you;

Baby, I’m just trying to be nice;

But you said I’m as cold as ice;

Darling, I’m that only under your temperament;

“Cold ice melts too. Just not around you”;

She storms out of the room;

Guilty is a note he sings once in a blue moon…

Winter blow

Fleeing birds in the snow, 

Close my eyes, there you go...

Winter leaves falling slow, 

Sweep the leaves, oh winter blow...

Freeze my heart, oh thick cold ice,

Cover the green and cover my eyes...

Say goodbye, my dear old friend,

Come summer breeze, I'll see you again...

Grief is the price paid for love

It has been 10 years since we last met and a decade feels exactly like how I imagine it to be - long enough that it’s one third of my life but short enough to say that I remember you more vividly now than before. 

Your goodbye was so much like you - quiet, no trails of outgoing footsteps, not a single noise and very thoughtful too. You hated troubling people and kept things to yourself and in your true classic fashion, left us just like that. 

You made me feel safe and loved, and you were the one person who truly understood my little quirks like wanting to do things my way, being a night owl, my love for books and writing and my stubborn nature. And like the true gem you are, you accepted them and even gave me the wings to fly! 

Ever since you left, I see great views on the mountains but find it hard to take that plunge...and then I figured it was always you who gave that final push every time I had serious doubts. Since you left, I struggled to find my bearing and in a way, my sense of self because I always looked up to you for that reassurance. 

Ayah, my heart aches less these days but when it does, it hurts bad. Whenever that happens, my heart weeps but by the grace of God, I can almost hear your voice telling me “you can do it, pick yourself up and keep going, Nabila!”

I see you in your brothers and sisters. I see you in Ilyas - so much of you is in him and I rejoice seeing him because a part of me feels that you're here...that you never really left, you just gave parts of yourself to others.